If you have a story for our news team, email us at webnews metro. You can also follow us on Facebook and Twitter. Follow Metro. Got a story for Metro. I even tried soccer, although I didn't really like it that much. I joined teams because it took my mind off the abuse and kept me away from home. I won an all-star award in basketball, but my mother wasn't happy. Instead she would say things to upset me like, "You need to lose weight," or "You could have done much better. So I was living off cereal and junk food that I would buy at the store. All the time I was wondering, "Why me?
Why am I going through all this pain? I knew that they were going to change for the worse. It didn't make any sense to me why it was happening. While I was in the 5th grade I was learning a little bit about our bodies, and I was really coming to believe that what my father was doing was dead wrong. In school, we were learning that our bodies were our temples and that no one should abuse them. It made me sick to sit in class hearing that, and then think about all of the horrible stuff that my father was doing to me.
If only I could turn back the hands of time, I would not have let the abuse go on for six long years of my life. But I didn't say anything because it was like my father had some mind game put on me to make me believe he did those things because he loved me. It was all really hurting me deep down inside. When I entered the 7th grade, talks about sex came up a lot in and outside of school.
The conversations made me feel very uncomfortable. My friends would always talk about how they were going to have sex with someone real special, someone they might end up married to. I was upset that I was never going to have that special moment, and do it with someone real special. When the girls in my school would ask me if I was a virgin, it was hard to answer them. I told them that I was a virgin, but I really didn't know if I was. All I knew is that I did not want my father to do the things that he was doing. I always told him to stop.
I would cry, scream and try to push him off me. Nothing worked. I felt like a big part of my childhood had been taken away. I felt so ashamed that I did not want to tell any of my friends about what was happening. I couldn't take the pain anymore. I felt so dirty inside. I just wanted to kill myself. I even wrote notes to my friends about ending my life, but I never gave them to anyone. In my head I knew that death would not be the answer. Plus, people would have thought I was crazy. They had no idea what I was going through. Around the beginning of January, I tried something new. I told my mother that my father had raped me a lot of times.
It was hard telling her, because I had kept it a secret for so long.
My mother had a strange reaction. She got mad at me and said that my father would never do something like that. After that she said, "You better not tell anyone what goes on in my house.
- AIDS: A Second Opinion.
- Reborn (Immortals of Time Book 1).
- Emma’s War: Love, Betrayal and Death in the Sudan!
That comment really hurt me. It made me believe that deep down she knew I was telling the truth, and still she wasn't going to do anything about it. Because my mother was giving me no support and would not believe me, about two weeks after I told her, I decided to tell one of my teachers who I was close to. I felt bad that I had to tell someone else when my mother should have been the one who gave me support. My teacher listened, and took action to get me placed in a better environment. That day I was taken out of my parents' care, tested for abuse and placed in the system.
Even though I was now away from my parents, I was still very upset inside. My mother would call me every hour to tell me to take back that I said my father had raped me. I think the reason why she said those things is because she did not want to get my father in trouble. He was the one that was supporting her with his money. But whatever the reason, my mother was hurting me a lot, because I really needed her love and support. I had just turned my father in for abuse, and I really needed to feel loved. Instead, my mother made me feel unloved.
I was also having a lot of bad dreams and flashbacks. It was hard for me to do anything without thinking about all of the things that my father did to me. I also have an amazing therapist who I have been seeing for almost 2 years and sought her out originally to figure out how I was going to navigate my mother without my Dad my buffer. Being accused of being a drug user while slurring their words is probably my favorite. Ocassionally I get a call if a relative dies or something. If they want to call Small talk does little for me, much less with folks who are quick to turn nasty.
Never say too much. Abusers rarely listen anyway, effectively the only real change for me is no longer listening a mono log. Neither angry nor attached. Once you grieve the loss that never was things get easier. Discussing personal matters optional. Michael, This post was originally aimed at daughters and was changed by the editors.
They apply to sons as well. Michael, the way I see comments is different; I thought initially you were responding to the post called 7 Things A Daughter Longs for Adulthood. Then I realized your comment was on another post which originally had the word "daughter" in it.
25 Amazing Things About Father-Daughter Relationships | Living Well Spending Less®
That's why I deleted my comment. My mother did not create me, my life was forced through; her, my father and millions of other life forms before them. BUT she certainly has destroyed me, or at least has tried to, time and time again. Also, my wife has a demon of a father- we have both cut them out of our lives to get on with our loving family lives where we do our best to be good people and be nice to our children who seem quite happy with us. My mother was very high on the narc spectrum. Point 4 in this article says that no mother will admit that she didn't love her child.
My mother did! She didn't want to get pregnant and would have rather adopted! She hated males but was married! When she found out she was pregnant back in the late 's with me she told my father that if it was a boy she would hate it? And she did! When I was born her sister, who was a midwife was there and my mother just handed me to her wiry the comment "you take him, he's so ugly"! After my NM died I found out that my aunty actually looked after me for the first six months or so.
My mother wanted to have me adopted out purely because I was a boy! NM used to tell me that when I was born the Drs told her I was mentally retarded and that she should just leave me there and go home without me. I asked my dad a few years before he died about it and he knew nothing about that! But when he went in to see her after I was birth and took a bunch of her favorite flowers, she threw them at him and said "how dare to bring in my favorite flowers!
Especially as its a boy! My sister became the GC and I was always the scapegoat and blamed for everything. I left home a year before I left school. I moved away from Christchurch where I was brought up for 19 years but ended up back there when my dad died he divorced my NM when I was 21, but never recovered I came back to deal with his estate and got stuck here because of the earthquakes.
I reestablished contact to make sure NM was ok and helped her a bit. She never offered any fuel money or anything else and the situation was no different! I was financially stressed but got no help from her. Gunshot I had a row with her about this and told her if she didn't shut up I would put her and the television we had bought out on the street and she could walk home!
Some reflections on a hard and pivotal decision.
I dropped her off at her house with the tv and virtually cut contact. She called a week later to ask what we were going to do about the tv and I told her she could do what she liked. Apart from one other phone call from her wham s friend of mine fired I never spoke to her again. I learnt that she was never going to change.
My sister had a better experience and doesn't think she is a narc. But sister has narc tendencies and treated me in a similar way to how my NM did though not nearly as bad. I have cut contact with her. I have spent six years in therapy and have made progress but still suffer from lack of self esteem and depression. I am basically a loner with few friends and find it easier to do things on my own!
No contact was total and complete freedom for the first time ever in my life. I was learning to accept and love myself, no matter how imperfect she thought I was I never missed them. Best actress I have ever seen I went no contact without any thought prior. I had to look after myself and my family. It was the first time I began to realise how toxic they had always been. Do you have an article on going NC with fathers? If not, I imagine the pain will pretty well be the same. Thank you for your work.
Thank you so much for this article, Peg. I will definitely be purchasing your book, "Daughter Detox. For the millionth, but hopefully last time, I have cut off all ties with my mother. My issues are both very similar and very different from what you outline here. My biggest problem is that I know my mother does love me. She doesn't care about my feelings, she doesn't have a problem with hurting me, and she probably doesn't like me very much, but I know she loves me in her way.
I'm her only kid, so I think that she just needs someone to love her, or that she needs to know she did something with her life. But everytime we reunite, she is so happy to see me. She is an expert at manipulating people to pity her or feel guilty, so that's what always keeps me coming back for more. I feel so bad for her that she has no one else, that she lives such a pathetic life, that she never got to be a mom because my dad raised me. I feel so guilty because I am often vicious to her when her drama starts up or when she crosses a boundary, because I don't spend enough time with her, because maybe I really was brainwashed to think she's a bad person.
But everyone around me tells me it's not my fault. I'm lucky that I have the support of nearly all my friends and family, who have encouraged me for years to cut her off entirely. It's not as easy as they think, though. I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of the cycle of guilt, I'm tired of all her drama leaking into my life, I'm tired of putting up boundaries that will never be respected, I'm tired of being the bad guy.
I have been no contact with my mother since she literally threw me out in the snow when I came out as gay at 13 years old. Yes, I lived with friends, in foster homes, and was finally adopted by a former teacher. My mother made no bones about making sure the rest of the family knew I was hellbound as well, cutting off anyone who spoke to me - be they sibling, other family or family friends. So what about those of us born with a "y" chromosome? What can we do to cope? The stick that broke the camels back was the fact she is trying to destroy my marriage by reaching out to my inlaws now and gossipping.
She is a hot mess and I am done! We had set boundaries that were repeated trampled, went low contact, then moved away and had only phone contact. She wanted more. She "told" us she was coming to stay with us. When that didn't happen, she outdid herself on social media and on news site comments, accusing me of child abuse and spouse abuse, even saying that I was going to jump off a cliff with my child.
She got her partner to post on social media that I was a mentally ill alcoholic and drug abuser, naming institutions where he said I should be locked up. Then MIL turned to blogs, asking people to help her get child welfare authorities to seize my child and lock me up. We moved again because of this, changed phones, etc. No regrets about the choice to cut her off permanently. There's no fix for this kind of extreme dysfunction. Cutoff was for our safety. I saved a printout of a drawing from her blog, just days after the incident that triggered this narcissistic rage.
She drew herself lighting fire to a bundle of sticks. I believe that she would have set our house on fire if we'd allowed her to visit. Two of her own homes had burnt to the ground, so this is not as implausible as it sounds. She blamed my spouse for ruining her life. She was 17 years old and a high school dropout when she gave birth.
Life with her was hell. No one should tolerate this kind of abuse from anyone else, mother or not. It went on far too long. Occasionally I think back to those traumatic times. When I do, I check the obituaries in her town. My mother made the decision to cut me out of her life nearly 20 years ago. She also cut most of my father's family out, too, but they still blame me for the split. I seldom see any of my relatives now because I'm tired of them telling me to "fix things with your mama.
I tried for more than 25 years to make our relationship work. I absolutely had to comment on this post. At different times my mom and I were close and got along very well. She was a good person. But she had issues that would make her be very cruel, demanding, insulting, angry, etc. One such incident was the final straw and I separated myself from her.
I wrote, said I loved her I was her if she needed me but i couldn't deal with her right now. Long story short, a year later she was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. I barely found out.
You and Your Children's Mother: Overcoming Anger for Your Kids' Sake
She wanted nothing to do with me. Then it appeared she was responding to treatment and doing well. I wasn't getting good information though. Then, through a friend who heard about it by accident,because I was not supposed to know, mom was in the hospital and had less than a week to live. I was devastated.
She refused to let me see her. Threatened to have the cops called if I showed up. I didn't know what to do. I was frantic, panic attacks, the idea of her dying without us talking was horrifying. But four days later she did. My mom had a personality disorder or something.. Her last couple years were very sad and difficult. No money. When she was sick the last few months she was often alone to fend for herself. Had to give up her cat. NO ONE told me any of this. I would have slept on the floor taking care of her at the end.. I just had gotten so tired of the eggshells..
It's the worse thing to live with And how did my cousins, everyone, think I was that awful and not say anything!? Why didn't they think about mom? I can't stand that she's gone. And she had yelled things at me like burn my house down, wish that she'd had an abortion It was bad.. I have read so many articles about what to do with a narcissistic mother. It has been difficult to have a positive relationship with her since I was about 10 years old.
I honestly believe that as I grew into adulthood with independence, it threatened her own value she was a stay at home mom. If I did not do as she said, ie she didnt want me to buy a house at 24 but I did anyway, I was a failure and willful and disobedient. Over the years she has done so many things that hurt, such as refusing to tell me she loves me. I begged her to tell me she loved me, and she said that she couldn't because it wouldn't be truthful. She told me many times that I was a disappointment. She refused to be with me on my wedding day.
She does not call me or visit me, I have to always be the one to reach out, and even then she is like an ice queen robot with her automated responses and disinterest in my life. If I do not call her, then I do not hear from her for months on end. And she doesn't notice.
- Sins of the Father.
- El Reverso (Spanish Edition);
- Tabletop Aquaponics -- for Homes, Schools, Churches, Clubs, and Science Fairs: Enjoy Learning to Grow Your Own Food.
- Search form?
- The Surgeon’s Mate (Aubrey/Maturin Series, Book 7) (Aubrey & Maturin series).
I am married and pregnant now, and she has little to do with me. But when she found out I was pregnant, she suddenly wanted to be first in line for everything related to the baby - but of course, not related to me. She wanted nothing to do with my pregnancy and only looked forward to the birth. A girl needs a mom sometimes, but mine never shows up. I finally decided that I would cut off all communication from my end, and when she was ready to be a better mom and loving and caring, then I would wait to hear from her. But I was done reaching out only to be swatted away.
Well, she sends a group text to me and my siblings wanting to organize a dinner. After I had been waiting to hear from her for 6 weeks at that point, and all she gave me was silence, but in front of my siblings she wanted to act like she is a great mom? I replied to all with my original request, which was to have intentional visits only - that were initiated by her - and for her to actively reach out to me, not just buy a steak when I happen to be in town, and that I was still waiting to hear from her. I am pregnant, and she would rather hang on to her ego than be involved in her daughters life.
I am 34, and she only ever called when she needed information ie, she was about to see my aunt and needed a 3 sentence summary of my life so she could tell my aunt, and pretend like she keeps up to date with me. Being pregnant has only heightened my awareness that she is toxic, and I have this need to protect my future son and growing family from her. The thing is, she doesn't contact me. So I guess a divorce would be easy so to speak. The real issue is that I keep wanting to hear from her, for her to be better, to show love for once.
And I know I am just torturing myself, waiting. I have some anxiety about not inviting her to the baby shower and the birth and holidays, etc. I will feel like a bad daughter and my siblings will be forced to choose sides - and lets face it, my mom has manipulated them to a point that they will always pick her over anything and anyone else. So now I am the bad person for drawing a line in the sand. But I know I need to do it. I need to stop wanting my mom to one day be a mom.
My dad says that I shouldn't keep my kids from having a grandmother I think the divorce is the easy part - but the longing a daughter has for her mom is what is hard. Dear Peg, It has been a little over 6 years since I cut off contact with my mother. I made the mistake of assuming it was about just her and me. Quickly I realized there would be fallout. A large and well loved extended family have not taken this situation well. It has taken years to establish three individual honest and good family relationships.
I work hard to keep two brothers and a sister in my life. I believe my mother is a narcissist, and as such unable to function well, because it is preferable to choosing to think of her as a terrible human being. I also believe that a large group of people in the family have tolerated her for so long that they can't admit the extent of her poisoning behaviour. It is hard, she is capable of multiple personas. I live far away, I miss my family in Ireland. When I traveled there it had been fraught and anxious and upsetting. But I am healing and my most recent visit though avoiding except for a few hours my home city was a huge improvement.
It takes a long time to come to terms with the consequences of no contact. I have "orphaned" myself, but I am fortunate to have a good and understanding husband, two grown daughters that show love, and to whom I have been a loving, if imperfect, mother. My in-laws are the sweetest nicest people, and even though not fully understanding the full issue, they are loving and kind to me. Thanks for this article, the statistics surprised me.
It is very hard to admit my relationship status with my mother. I find myself less injured by the judgement than the relationship as it was, so that is a good thing! To other readers- Read all you can, know the cost and reward of taking care of yourself, try hard to love yourself. Mothers are people, not a divine personage, some are good some are bad.
Love your own children, do your best not to repeat the experience of your childhood, it can be very hard at times to question what your "normal" was, reject that and then remake it into a better experience for your kids, but it is possible. I spent a lot of time explaining my actions to my daughters, they tease me good naturedly about it - how wearing it was : - but it worked- my fear of repeating the behaviour I endured did not happen. The behaviour of my mother did as such influence our lives, but I feel certain if my daughters have children they will be free if that.
I sometimes mourn the absence of a good parent or an idea if it , but only when I'm exploring a self pity moment. I celebrate the reality of my freedom. I celebrate my efforts to do better. I have built a good life. I don't miss what I did not have. How not to get sucked in and wiped out and eventually recover. Understanding the special wounds inflicted by dismissal and unresponsiveness. Sometimes, the words "I'm sorry" are just part of the narcissist's game.
Back Psychology Today. Back Find a Therapist. Back Get Help. Back Magazine. Subscribe Issue Archive. Back Today. Changing Paradigms in International Adoption. Peg Streep Tech Support. Friend me on Faceook. References Conti, Richard P. No Contact Submitted by Vicki on October 19, - pm. No contact Submitted by Delores on June 27, - am. Luckily, there's an easy solution for you Submitted by Peg Streep on June 27, - am. Submitted by Joanna on May 2, - pm. By the time I went no contact, I had morned the losses already.
I find that staying vague and detached is the best approach: - Will you visit your parents for the holiday? Great Article! Submitted by Lily on May 2, - pm. Reconciliation Submitted by Kay on May 11, - am. Anonymous wrote:. Reconciliation Submitted by Lily on May 11, - am. I miss my mom Submitted by MrsM on May 4, - am.