Meanwhile we have one car and he usually takes it to work. I lost my mother a few weeks ago. She was 94 years old and had a good life so I was unprepared for the level of grief I am feeling. I thought I was prepared but I feel very lonely and there is a huge gap now in my life. I know friends are well meaning but they seem surprised that I am grieving at all and a few have said that I should be over it by now. I have tried to ignore how I feel but this just makes me feel worse. Thank you so much for I loss my husband of 39 years, two years ago.
I loved our relationship and marriage, that help keep me going. I am happy in the life I am making for myself. I lost my husband 16 months ago. Still trying to find my way and understand my life and myself without him. And I am trying…but it is a slow process. The loss of his love for me is what I find the hardest still as time goes by. Is that selfish? I have learned that grief has a lot to do with who are without the person who left us.
And figuring that out can be the biggest struggle of all. You are so right in saying that what you are missing is his love for you! I cannot feel his kisses or hugs. Thank you for helping me understand that better today. Laura, you summed up my feelings exactly. I lost my husband 7 months ago and he used to wink at me in all sorts of situations and that wink said so so much. So true. July 29th, next Saturday would have been our 50th wedding anniversary. I lost a 19 year old son and my dad the same year and my mom 6 years later and all three were a different grief process.
Hugs and Prayers! Lots of writing about the death of an infant.
The Grief I’m Good At Hiding
She was 40 but she was my baby, my wild child, my interesting, unique and bipolar daughter. What keeps running though my mind…. I want to try and repair the years of hurt when she tried to manage life on her own. I want to give birth to her again and she wont crave alcohol and drugs. But she was my clone, my soul, the person I wanted to be with on adventures. Last night I smelled perfume then it went away, but it happened again twice. I want her back. But she is ashes in a box too miles away. I have no place to go to mourn her.
I lost my son and he was also cremated. His ashes is in my living room, but that is not where he is. No, he is free and so is your daughter, exploring the stars, visiting galaxies. Oh, he send me signs, a feather here and there, that seems totally out of place. Those are the once I collected and put in a jar in a quite room and lit a candle to meditated and feel his presence…….
My son send me a message that I must focus on parents that have more pain than me and that my tears hold him back like chain, not able to be free in his new dimention……. I remember this message of him……. I hope this will help you. When I lost my mum to cancer 20 years ago at the age of 23 I decided to just get on with things. She was buried and three days later I went back to work.
Someone gave me a book on grief. Someone said that I should attend counselling. What happened over time though was that I became an angry person. I see that now. I lost it with him! My father is Maltese and has very strong religious beliefs. I have carried around all types of anger related to my grief for 20 years. But I am still angry.
This anger has affected my relationships for many years. I started to gain weight due to emotional eating and so became angry at myself for not being stronger. I have seen a Dietician for a couple of years now and a month ago we discovered why I eat rubbishy food in my room late at night. She suggested I see a Psychologist asap. I have my 3rd appointment today. Today we are going to tackle my grief over losing mum.
I am petrified but also relieved at the thought of going to this session. It feels good to just get all of that out here. Today I am doing something I should have done 20 years ago. I am no expert but my advice to people suffering loss is to get it out..
Otherwise the grief can fester and it will affect your relationships and decisions you make in life. I regret that I left it this long but I am excited to finally deal with it… It is a huge weight lifted believe me! My thoughts are with all of you that are suffering loss and my hope for you is that one day soon you can feel how I feel right at this moment.. Thanks for allowing me to spill here too.. Be aware of wolves deceased family in sheeps clothing.
They swoop in at your deepest darkest hour. Lie straight to your face to get deceased possessions. My battle right now is who has the right to his ashes. We will be mixed together and spread in the mountains in CO. Why are some so cruel. I like how you explain closure. All of the posts I can relate to. Grief is the worst pain ever experienced even when you have been through extraordinary physical pain. It is worse. Thank you all for sharing mutual feelings.
I do not know how to start life again. I recently lost my mom in a horrible car accident and feel something that I did not find on your lists. I feel scared, afraid, fearful not sure how to explain the feeling. I lost my mum few days ago and I am feeling scared alone. No one tells you how physically exhausting grief is.
There is a physiological response to grief that would make you think there is something seriously wrong. It causes aches in your jaw and neck and back. It can be a drain on the adrenal function, cause your immune system to be weaker, making allergies hit harder or other illnesses pop up. It can effect memory, focus and even vision. Of course sleep patterns are impacted. All of this can be scary if you do not realize that the root of it is in the grief you carry. Thank you for this post. I lost my husband 2 weeks ago today after he collapsed and died very suddenly.
He was only 43 years old and we had been together for 26 years. The first few days were a living hell and I felt that I could never get over his loss, but I am starting to feel guilty that I am no longer the crying wreck everyone expects me to be. At the moment I simply feel nothing; no sadness, no anger, no grief. In some ways it feels like I was never married and I have lost nothing at all as I have adapted to him not being here so quickly. Is this something other readers have experienced?
Monkey, I am so incredibly sorry for what you are going through. What you are feeling is totally normal and we actually JUST wrote a post about what you are describing. I hope you find some support and helpful info on our site in the weeks, months and years to come. I lost my dad almost a year ago. The grief has been so much worse than I could ever have imagined. It was absolutely horrific. I, personally, am tired of well-meaning people telling me that my son is still with me, that he will always be near.
Tell that to all of us he left behind without a warning. These people care, I know that, but those words are so painful to me. As time goes by they also anger me and it is so difficult to remain polite. Thank you so much for this site and love and prayers to all of us who are on this terrible journey.
Ugh, totally agree Penny! We have this post that tries to reframe the idea of supporting a griever from comfort to support, but it is a distinction I think many people struggle with. So many of these and the previous 64 really hit home. I would say that the thing that helped me finally leave the dark after my first brother died were the words of a counselor I finally went to see. I struggled with acceptance big time when my brother died.
That is so huge for me. Wise words from your counselor, Tricia! So many people misunderstand the concept of acceptance — I am so glad this was able to help you in your own grief. Thanks for sharing! RE When it comes to your parents…if 1 parent dies before the other, expect to grieve for both when the 2nd one dies. Regarding 47 above: This is absolutely not true for everyone. I deeply wish that people would stop saying that to people who are in grief, and I am surprised to find that said here, where you folks should know better.
Please understand that I mean no disrespect in saying this, as I appreciate your website and the work that you do greatly, and these lists of things are generally very good. What would be more accurate, and applicable to everyone, is that things will get different. This is a truth, because change is constant and is entirely unavoidable.
I am glad for them. Please stop saying that. Hi DL, I am sorry if 47 rubbed you the wrong way, but I think part of the issue may be in understanding what these lists are about. These lists are about the fact that grief is different for everyone. You may have noticed, some things on these lists that explicitly contradict each other.
THis is because we are all different, there is nothing one can say about grief that will be universal. I started this list with things I wish someone had told me, that were true to my grief.
- The Secret Life of Grief?
- Dealing with grief after the death of your baby | March of Dimes!
- Reward Yourself.
Readers submitted other things, some of which resonated with me and some of which did not. The idea was for a collective list of things people had felt personally, with the assumption that they will never be true for everyone. For many people, it does get better. For some it doesnt. I have had many greivers say they love that, and I have had others take great issue with it saying they strongly disagree. The bottom line is that you can never compare loss or compare grief. We all feel different things and it is helpful to hear what others feel and experience, even when we feel completely the opposite.
Thanks for taking the time to share your perspective — I am sure many can relate!!! Well geez, thanks a lot DL for destroying my hope the things will get better. Your post was so incredibly unhelpful. I was blessed to have him in my life for 23 years. My loss of Walt is so deep I just want to stay in bed and let the world go by.
I have prayed to Walt to come and get me. I would rather be in heaven with him then live on earth without him. But, he would not want this and I must take this new journey without him. It is not easy and I cry and I get angry and I smile when I think of my wonderful life I had with him. Grief is a process I am not sure how long it will take me to go through a day without crying but I know one day it will be easier. I may not like it but God has a new path for me.
I have been invited to a wedding, and also I have been invited by friends to go zip lining and you know what I am going to do both. My Walt loved life and adventure and I am going to keep that spirit he taught me. We must continued living I know Walt would want me to do this. I will continue to shed tears and at times feel like nothing will ever be the same but I must get through this and come out the other end stronger, wiser and enjoy this beautiful life I was given. Grief is a hard journey but is is a journey all of will take one day. You have a chose you can except it and go through it as best as you can or you can Let it consume you.
I decided to try to keep on living and do the best I can to get through the loss of my Walt. Believe me he was my whole life and it is not easy but I must move forward at my own pace and the best way I can. I wish I would have know how exhausting grieving can be as well as how it affects a persons ability to preform simple task that use to be a way of life.
Everyday function is so difficult. Ive tried to hide my grief from everyone around me partly because i dont think they will understand and i dont want to make them uncomfortable thats my husband and my friends and then theirs my children my sisters and dad i hide it from because i dont want to add to their grief. Im terrified at the thought of the rest of my life without my mum and having this pain.
Katy, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. Though I understand the inclination to hide your grief from others to shelter them, the reality is that being honest with our grief can not only be good for us, but for those around us. Children learn from adults that it is okay to grieve and express emotions when they see this from their parents. It is important to talk to your children about why you are sad, and also important to let them know you are sad. Finally, in order for your husband to know how to support you it is important he know you are grieving and what you need.
It is tempting to hide it, but those who love us want to support us, and that starts with us being honest. It is a personal decision what you decide to share and not share with others. You may decide you simply are not comfortable sharing your grief, but I would encourage you to consider how it might help both you and others to be more open. We have tons of ideas here on the blog.
Nothing is wrong with you. The first family holiday celebration after their death will be difficult. Now who will take that position in the family? My husband died suddenly 15 weeks back he was only Ladies, thank you all for your replies and for the comfort you have given me. In some ways I just really needed validation from people who have been where you are, where this person in my life is, and know that I am not crazy and that though different, my feelings are valid as well.
I truly do take comfort from your words. No 2 people will ever respond in the same manor. I have had the loss by death, but also the loss of relationships of extended family. I love them from afar and the door is open if they ever want to have a relationship. Beth, I can tell you from experience that grief can change us in ways we never imagined.
I agree with Litsa, give it time. This person needs their space. While it is about you on one level, on another level it you have to realize that this person may not be able to handle what is happening right now. They are dealing with something you are not able to truly understand. You can be sympathetic but it is not the same as living their experience. And you will also mourn the loss of this friendship, but the best thing you can do is to wait it out.
Hi Beth, this is a great question and not one you should be worried to ask at all.
I have said many times that my grief made me an angry, self-involved, and less-than-empathetic person at times. Emotions are running amok and it is not uncommon for grievers to direct those emotions at people around them sometimes people who are just trying to help. When you are grieving, it can be hard not to feel like the word should stop for you, so countless little things can set you off. It is a dirty little secret that comes with grieving, but grief can make us feel entitled, which can also lead to anger and lashing out.
Your feelings are absolutely valid and it is understandable that you would feel hurt. We have two posts on supporting grievers that you may find helpful. I have a question about grief and how it affects others and I am terrified to ask. I have googled and searched but no one seems to ask my question.
I will write the simple question here in case someone would like to reply, but if the moderator would like to email me, that is awesome, too. But what happens when someone else who is grieving a loss lashes out at another? In my case I was lashed out at and it has turned ugly — but not because I wanted it to. I have grieved the potential loss of this person having anything to do with my family. I have tried to talk and communicate but now this person wants nothing to do with me.
Do my feelings become less valid because their grief is bigger? Thank you, to whomever might read. I think this will be the list that never ends because we all walk this journey differently. Great list, no end to the process. That loss will always be there, and sometimes the passage of time makes us realize how much our loved one is missing and how much we miss them.
Your email address will not be published. We respect your email privacy. Powered by AWeber Email Marketing. Username Password Remember Me. Share 1K. Pin Rosie February 16, at pm Reply. Niecy Mangham January 26, at am Reply. Tearsofpain November 15, at am Reply. Laurel September 3, at pm Reply. Becky Paschall August 6, at am Reply. Thank you for this list.
It has been most helpful. Thank you again for helping me to understand my grief just s little better. Daly Heimer June 3, at pm Reply. Colleen king May 26, at pm Reply. Janice Foster May 12, at am Reply. Cookie G March 24, at pm Reply. Jane August 25, at pm Reply. Trish May 2, at am Reply. Michele April 27, at pm Reply. January 4, at pm Reply. Kathleen October 13, at pm Reply. Becca September 13, at pm Reply. Norbert August 3, at pm Reply. We can embrace joy and pain at the same moment. My hope is together we will choose to quit hiding from our grief. We will look for and encourage others to do the same.
Remember, we never know what another person is going through. After all, I was a master at hiding from my grief, and I still do from time to time. To find a few of my favorite places where I might be sharing this post, click here. Maree, Your opening sentences are a great hook and captured me. Thank you for sharing your struggles openly and honestly. Krista, Thank you for your encouraging comment. I am so glad I hooked you into reading my post. Hope you have a wonderful weekend.
Maree, you have hit on so many areas of grief here. I can identify with much of it. It actually took me awhile to grieve after my mother died. I also have two adult sons with muscular dystrophy. I never thought about grieving the illness as part of what I need to do, but as a caregiver there is much to grieve, but at the same time there is joy. Blessings to you!
Thank you for your kind words. I like me better. Thank you for your prayers, Maree. It is hard to see our loved ones struggle, but there are blessings along the way. We are blessed to have a young man living with us who is very helpful with my sons, and at the same time we can help him at this time in his life. Yes, it is such a comfort to know we will see our loved ones again. Hope you have a great weekend. Hope your weekend is nice, too! I stopping back by to tell you that your post is my favorite of the week and will be featured on my blog!
Aimee Imbeau. Oh, Maree, you are right. When we deal with a family member with mental illness or any of the other things you mentioned , there is grieving. There is great loss. Mental illness has stolen so much. I am so thankful that your child is in a place where she can get help.
And that you love her so, so very much. Thanks for sharing on Grace and Truth. Aimee, You are so right there are great losses with mental illness. It does rob everyone involved of so much.
The Grief I’m Good At Hiding | Thought Catalog
I bet it is hard to accept and grieve the relationship with your mom. She is lucky to have a daughter that loves her in spite of any illness. Thank you for adding to our discussion today. It helps others know we are not alone. Crystal Twaddell. Maree Dee, I remember struggling so through the sudden loss of my brother and the tension within myself to try to remain strong and show no emotion. The expectation even within my marriage to get back to normal quickly was unrealistic. What a disservice we do to ourselves and to others by not allowing God to enter in fully and completely.
Not only into our own loss but onto the hearts of those walking this loss with us. Crystal, I am so sorry for your loss. It must have been so hard to lose your brother. I agree not only do we need to ourselves time to grieve we need to do the same for others. Blessings, Maree. Theresa Boedeker. This was so good, Maree. And so true. I have used many of those reasons.
And sometimes I have been in a situation that I have to push through such as caring for a dying family member and can only grieve when I get away and back at home. And by then, it hits like a ton of bricks because finally I can grieve. But I know this, you can only ignore, push through, or not grieve for so long before it comes tapping you on the shoulder waiting to be acknowledged.
I also know that sometimes everyone in a family is grieving and all at different stages of grief and it is so hard. Learning the stages of grief also helped me. Theresa, Thank you! You are so right it comes out somewhere. It never ceases to amaze me how grieving is so unique. We can all have the same loss yet we all grieve so differently. Blessings- Maree. Grief comes in so many forms, and I never recognized how often I hide behind it.
I like beat he part about how God can handle our emotions. We just have to let them out…or let Him have them. Allyson Rapt Motherhood. Thank you for sharing such an intimate story.
More From Thought Catalog
I agree what you said about how, from childhood, we are taught to put a band-aid on the wound and move on. Sin has entered this world and life is hard. I am so thankful though for the future hope I have through my Savior. Allyson, Thank you for reminding us silence is okay. I have had to fight the urge to feel like I always have to say something. Just being with someone is huge. I am so sorry for your losses and words that cause further pain. Thank you for sharing with us today. Such important truth. Too often I think Christians refuse each other the gift of grieving properly.
And so many things beyond the death of a loved one cause us grief in this life. Profound words here. Thank you, Liz, for stopping by and adding your wise words to our conversations. This blessed me so so much and also convicted me. I lost my granddad about two weeks ago now. I have tried crying but every time I feel myself getting ready to break down, I suck it up and throw myself into work. Is not that I think grieving is bad. I have a toddler at home. So instead, I deal with the heart break myself…. One thing I did notice is, even though I am not crying, I have become immersed with work or working out.
I stay up for hours on end keeping myself busy. I guess trying not to deal with it. Thank you for writing this post. This really did bless me. I am so sorry about your grandad. I bet you miss him. How special that you were so close to him. It is complicated when you have little ones at home too.
I have found grieving to be so personal and we have to do it in our own time. I am so glad my post spoke to you. I am praying for you.
A letter to… Mum and her mince pies
Gretchen Fleming. Wow Maree! This is profound. This is something everyone needs to read now AND later when something arises that sparks the grieving process. What you teach is applicable to countless opportunities!! Sharing on Facebook my friend. Grieving is so important and I tend to internalize it more. I have lost a huge chunk of my childhood, it was a miserable one.
I wish I grieved it well and know that in all those heartaches God is near. Great post Maree! A stoic experience. The stages are only a guideline to give awareness of what grief can entail…as you can experience each stage all at once in one moment of time! There can be, what is known as Complicated Grief which needs professional help to be able to eventually come to acceptance. Jennifer, I agree not everyone is safe, wise, or trustworthy to share our vulnerability with, we do need to choose wisely. I found many to are not capable due to where they are in life or what they have been through.
At first, I was disappointed but then quickly learned friends could fill many roles. I love the C. Lewis quote. My mother prayed for me and I was delivered of grief, I thought I was resisting fear. She said they were twins. No doubt, I was grieving loss but not necessarily death. I found out later it included so much more than I thought.
Dealing with grief after the death of your baby
You have to cry before the Lord and let it out. I had heard someone say not to let the devil see you cry, and for the longest I tried to be strong, have great faith and be healed. I was wrong. I had faith, I had to be weak and let Him be strong in me. I had a period of crying for almost six weeks, it gets ugly, but you meet the Lord in that secret place and get it off your soul. We need to look at it differently and seek His peace, and not grieve the Holy Spirit.
May I recommend Hope Prevails by Dr. MIchelle Bengston. Praying for you and your daughter Marie, receive the peace of God and let Him guide you. I need to order that one. I am so glad you were delivered from your grief. We all have losses, and they certainly are not all about death. Yes, grief and fear can do a number on us. Thank goodness, we have a loving good God. Thank you for bringing your wisdom to this post. Your words are so true, Maree! I can relate to every, single one of them…not that our circumstances are the same, but the universal grief and my tendencies to hide from it.
I have learned that it must be faced head on, dealt with fully, and that there is no other way possible to get over it than to walk through it. Even though I draw back and cringe, the only path to healing is to walk it out.